Presence is Inefficient

Photo by Levi Meir Clancy on Unsplash

When I was visiting my mum in Israel earlier this month, we spent three hours in the car driving from the airport to my childhood home in the middle of the desert. Past Dimona, when we were on the eighth conversation topic, we discussed parental choices. We talked about how parents usually don't have to tell their children their values. Children pick those up from how their parents behave, what's important to them. And she told me how her mum would send her to clean the stairs outside their flat on Friday afternoons. I told her how every time Dad asked me why I didn't get 100% on a test, I could hear his disappointment.

We never have these kinds of conversations when I call her. I call my mum about twice a week, but mostly we talk about logistics. When is the next visit? How was lunch with my sister? Where is the next family event? Phone calls and other communication technologies are built to compress the distance. But they end up compressing time as well. We expect phone calls to be efficient. If I'm calling to ask my mum how she is, once she's told me about the ache in her knee or the latest doctor's appointment, technically the goal of the conversation has been achieved. There's no need to stay on the call. Texts are an even more extreme example of that compression. Sure, we could have three-hour phone calls, but who has time for that? Presence is inefficient, but that's where the relationship happens.

Years ago, I wrote a story made entirely of text messages (and some voice notes) between two sisters who are trying to connect and keep missing each other. It was somewhat based on my experiences trying to build an adult relationship with my sisters. I thought I was writing about long-distance relationships. But the car ride with my mum showed me I was writing about compression. It's difficult to feel connected when all your conversations have a goal. In The Missive, Shannon and Becca plan their version of my three-hour car ride: a train ride from London to Doncaster, together with Becca's partner and child.

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