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The Impossible Paradox of Fear

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Photo by Denys Nevozhai on Unsplash

So, the album recording phase is done, and we're heading into the final stretch of mixing. We started talking about a title, cover art, and having a "digital release" which means putting the album up on Apple Music and Spotify.

And I'm petrified.

Interestingly, I fear all possible outcomes simultaneously. I fear that it would be a huge failure. That people would listen to it and hear all the imperfections I can hear in my voice, all the places I'm off-key. And they'll say the album is terrible and that I should keep my day job which I don't have.

Ironically, I fear that it would be a great success. That is the "fantasy", which in my head I know will never happen. That I would be "discovered" and will be asked to join other projects and that somehow I'll end up doing gigs and becoming world-famous. That's scary because then I'll, of course, neglect my children, lose my privacy, and lose control over my art. Or, at least, that's how I think about it.

And then there's the scariest scenario of all: that no one will ever listen to the album. That's actually the most likely scenario because I have no intention of doing any marketing of any kind except putting it up here for all of my 13 readers. And if no one will listen, or, worse, people will listen and will be indifferent to it, then what have I done? What was the point? It's also scary because I think this album is, in a way, more me than anything I've ever written. There's something raw and bloody about music that I haven't managed to tap yet in my writing. Because writing is something you do with a rather different part of the brain, and the part of my brain that writes is disciplined and controlled. And if people are indifferent to the album, they're, in a way, indifferent to me.

And yes, I know that the album isn't me. Its failure or success doesn't mean I'm a failure or a success. And I do keep going to voice lessons because I love singing, and I love that I'm improving. I don't think I'll do singing full time, however, because I'm not willing to give up the writing. I still enjoy writing even though I have the same fears about my book. Which could be the reason why I haven't sent it out to anyone yet.


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